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How to Not Sell Your Home

Imagine you have your home on the market but aren’t really interested in selling it. There are some things you can do to make sure that you don’t have to go through the bother of moving. Here are the top 10 things you can do to keep your home from selling:

10. Don’t clear the ice or snow from your front walk ever. Don’t rake leaves. 

9. Don’t let buyers see your home. Have your agent write a “courtesy call to owner” in your listing and then, whenever an agent calls, tell them the home is unavailable unless you’re home and you work 2 full time jobs. 

8. Don’t declutter. Make sure you have all of the last 2 years worth of National Geographics stacked in the bathroom and fill your cabinets and closets to capacity. Best if the closet is so stuffed that it can’t be closed once it’s opened. 

7. Refuse to allow your agent to put a sign on the front lawn. Tell him or her that you’re very private and don’t want your neighbors to know you’re selling.

6. If you don’t have 2 fierce and poorly behaved dogs, borrow them. Let them run through the house during showings. Ideal if they could urinate behind all the furniture. Bonus points if they leave “calling cards” on the deck. 

5. Make sure your lawn and front garden are unruly. Don’t mow or weed until after the listing expires. If you have a gate, take it off the hinges.Image

4. Refuse a lockbox. Claim that you just don’t trust people and want to be home for every showing.

3. If you have an updated kitchen or bath, I’m sorry but you increase the odds of your home selling. To compensate, throw some dirty towels around the bathroom and food scraps and dirty dishes around the kitchen. Or vice versa.

2. Be sure to cook up some fish or curry before every showing. If you could smoke a pack or two of cigarettes before every showing, even better.

And the number 1 way you can prevent your home from selling is….

1. Over-price it. Forget about negotiation – you’re just interested in “seeing what you can get.” Your agent may have told you the home is worth $500k, your appraisal is for $490k, but your neighbor’s mailman’s friend got $650k for their home that’s only a little bigger so you’re going to ask for $640k. 

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